Home » House Drama » Now the clouds have covered o’er & the wind is blowing cold.

Now the clouds have covered o’er & the wind is blowing cold.

I’m in a Blue Mood, so this is pretty self-indulgent angst. Nothing exciting, outside of some deity-baiting and blasphemy.

The weather has been kindly supporting my descent into a blue period, beginning yesterday evening.  It’s still cold for March. Sping Breakers run around town in down-filled jackets rather than flip-flops, and the sky is grey. A wonderful weekend with family in Atlanta had an emotional hangover of coming back to the rental home away from these people that I do like, that I’ve never really known. Our family is spread all over the US – from California to Florida – and we never see one another. I met two cousins I didn’t know I had for the first time. And you know, we clicked instantly. Family is something that I’ve always wanted; for years growing up I kept hoping Mom and Dad would produce a little brother or sister for me.  Matthew and I were more than enough trouble on our own, though – Matthew with his autism and seizures and low-functioning difficulties, me with my unfocused ambitions and moods of aesthetic despair when the world wasn’t to my exact liking.

The world is currently not to my exact liking.  It’s a mood, and it’ll pass, but right now I can see the future stretched before me, fixed as coordinates of a physical destination.  There are so many things about myself that I want to change: my hobbies, my hair color, my weight, my art, my living situation, my personality. And it’s not that I’m self-loathing or anything like that, but I feel that I need a change. I’m settling myself down into a vat of maple syrup and I don’t want to wake up one day and discover I’m in my forties and in the exact same spot that I was ten years before.

To add a little variety to this moody blues, my cat, Sam, is dying. She’s six weeks older than Bear, our cat who died a month ago. It’s such a ridiculous kick in the ass. I know she’s old, I know it would have to happen sometime, but goddammit, neither of my parents’ two cats is going to make it to the new house. Mom and Dad have been through so much shit. And then there’s this.

It’s insult to injury after the past few months of nonstop drama. I told Sarah the other day that I’d never been a believer in God, and I’m not really still, but if there is a God, I’m angry with him. I said it jokingly, but it’s absolutely true. If there is a God, I would defriend him on Facebook. I’d ignore his text messages. And if he wrote an apology to me, I’d send it to my spam filter so quickly that Gmail itself would stutter. I’m a little frightened writing that, because I was raised in the Southern Baptist old-school style of “devil behind every bush” and “vengeful God” and all that, but seriously, what else can he do to my family? He’s already struck our house with lightning. So in short: bring it, quasi-fictional creator. We’re in a fight.

It’s probably better if there isn’t a God. At least this wouldn’t feel so personal.

I’ll be glad when this mood – and the weather – blows away.

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6 thoughts on “Now the clouds have covered o’er & the wind is blowing cold.

  1. :/

    But I’ve been feeling the same way since the end of 2012. The start of 2013 felt like it would usher in so much change and I haven’t seen it and I just feel so stuck and everything’s out of my control and I just want things to CHANGE. I agree that it’s even the little things that I wanted changed but I feel restless and anxious and ready for another chapter in my life and I wonder if that means I’m going to be feeling this way every few years for the rest of my life.

    Also, I’m so sorry to hear about your cat. That — ugh, that sucks so much.

    • It’s good to know that I’m not alone in feeling restless like this. It’s that time when patience starts running out that it gets hard for me to keep my head up. We’ll get there – we WILL – but it’s difficult to know where exactly that Change needs to start. I’ve been telling myself that everything will change “when we move into the rebuilt house” and “when I get my own apartment in May” but by then, half the year will be gone. I need to get inspiration NOW.

      So let me know how you decide to get the ball rolling. I’m going to brainstorm some ideas on my own and report back later. 🙂

      • Yeah, I do that too — when this happens, then I’ll feel better. If that happens, I’ll feel better. I guess, right now, what I’m trying to do is write more and since I’m defeatist about my novels, I’ve turned to poetry. I’m sure I’ll be defeatist shortly when I get my first rejection back about a poem, but alas, it’s something different. AND I’m actively looking for a new job, but the problem there is, I have to be careful because where I am now is great so it has to be the right move … even if that might mean moving back to my hometown and leaving NYC. I don’t know. It’s just anxiety and frustrations all around for me lately.

      • Man, there is no angst so all-consuming as job hunting because there are so many “what ifs” associated with it. My sympathies. I associate all times when I was job hunting – thankfully doing so while I was still employed – with crazy levels of anxiety. No wonder you’re feeling restless.

  2. Yeah, pretty much could have written the last part about God myself. Without the southern-baptist bit, but yeah. I’ve never believed in God, but I sure as shit don’t now. *fistshake*

    Anyway, I’m sorry about your cat, Whit. Pets are family too and it hurts like a bitch to lose them, whether you know it’s going to happen or not. ❤ ❤ I'm sorry you have that to deal with on top of everything else.

    • I hear stories about how people got more religious after a hardship and I Just. Don’t. Get. It. I was pretty chill with what (little) faith I had a year ago, but these days, I HOPE God doesn’t exist, because he’s a freakin’ dick if he does.

      Thank you about Sam. ❤ It's going to break my heart when she goes.

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