Home » House Drama » Is That You, Bed?: Looking for a New Bed and Why It Sends Me into Palpitations

Is That You, Bed?: Looking for a New Bed and Why It Sends Me into Palpitations

Last July, all my “real” furniture burned in a house fire which claimed the entirety of my parents’ home.  They lost everything.  I lost scraps.  On the whole, I wince over everything of mine that was destroyed and move on… with the exception of my antique bed.

Oh, losing that bed hurt. It was at least one-hundred years old, and had been in the family that long.  Constructed of sturdy, massive oak, it was a canopy bed that matched a wardrobe like the one the children disappeared into in The Chronicles of Narnia. I had inherited it in my room when my mother decided she wanted to lighten up the furniture in her bedroom.  I didn’t want that bed in Florida – getting it up three flights of stairs would have been hilarious – but I had plans for that bed that were all shot to hell in the end because the bed was kindling for the fire which vaporized the house.

So while I have always designed my future apartment home in my head around that bed, now I have to start over. Woe is me, right?  It’s such a silly thing to fixate on but I can’t help it. Beds are important. You spend 8 hours of your life in them every day (sometimes…).  And I can’t decide what I want.  So here are the beds I’m considering:

  • The Laredo: “Hi.  Although I’m a sensible iron bed that you can lug up your stairs without inducing heart failure, I have a soft steampunk flair!  I’m not frou-frou and have a unisex industrial vibe, but I don’t really understand why you’re looking at me, because weren’t you into French Country just a few years ago?  Nevertheless, you are drawn to my sleek lines.  Forget the French, baby.  Sleep with me.”
  • Ashby Sleigh Bed: “They say I’m a rustic pine sleigh bed, but you know the truth, don’t you?  You’ve slept in a patch of poison ivy before. That shit is rustic.  Me?  I’m smooth to the touch and I won’t alienate Robert Downey Jr. when you finally succeed in breaking up his marriage. I can go either way, Whitney.  I know I’m crazy-expensive, but don’t you deserve something classic like me?”
  • Forest Canopy Bed: “I’M IN A FUCKING FOREST!!!! 8D 8D 8D”
  • Churchill Wing Bed: “I’m not going to waste your time. You can’t afford me.  You can’t even afford one-third of me.  Get your trailer park aspirations down to Belk’s, kid, because you’re smelling up the wrong side of town.  I may look like Kathleen Hepburn should lounge on me, but even she’s too low for my swaying cradle of exquisiteness.  Oh, I know, I’m neutral and a statement-piece. I’d eat your boyfriend, if you had one. Which you don’t, by the way, because you’re going to die alone.  But wouldn’t you like to die on me?  Wouldn’t I be an amazing death bed?  …did I mention you can’t afford me?”
  • Rangeley Bed: “I’m boring, but safe. If I were in a movie, James Marsden would play me, which is a shame, because in nearly every movie, you’d always choose James Marsden over the other guy, right?  Chicks, man. I don’t get it.  But anyway, you’ll probably buy me in a fit of panic because you can’t make up your mind and I’m inexpensive, but it’s cool – I’ll break in an inopportune moment. Revenge: it’s served cold.”

4 thoughts on “Is That You, Bed?: Looking for a New Bed and Why It Sends Me into Palpitations

  1. James Marsden bed James Marsden bed James Marsden bed. For the reference only. Why are the girls in his movies so dumb??

    Um but really, the forest canopy bed is amazing.

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