Last July, all my “real” furniture burned in a house fire which claimed the entirety of my parents’ home. They lost everything. I lost scraps. On the whole, I wince over everything of mine that was destroyed and move on… with the exception of my antique bed.
Oh, losing that bed hurt. It was at least one-hundred years old, and had been in the family that long. Constructed of sturdy, massive oak, it was a canopy bed that matched a wardrobe like the one the children disappeared into in The Chronicles of Narnia. I had inherited it in my room when my mother decided she wanted to lighten up the furniture in her bedroom. I didn’t want that bed in Florida – getting it up three flights of stairs would have been hilarious – but I had plans for that bed that were all shot to hell in the end because the bed was kindling for the fire which vaporized the house.
So while I have always designed my future apartment home in my head around that bed, now I have to start over. Woe is me, right? It’s such a silly thing to fixate on but I can’t help it. Beds are important. You spend 8 hours of your life in them every day (sometimes…). And I can’t decide what I want. So here are the beds I’m considering:
- The Laredo: “Hi. Although I’m a sensible iron bed that you can lug up your stairs without inducing heart failure, I have a soft steampunk flair! I’m not frou-frou and have a unisex industrial vibe, but I don’t really understand why you’re looking at me, because weren’t you into French Country just a few years ago? Nevertheless, you are drawn to my sleek lines. Forget the French, baby. Sleep with me.”
- Ashby Sleigh Bed: “They say I’m a rustic pine sleigh bed, but you know the truth, don’t you? You’ve slept in a patch of poison ivy before. That shit is rustic. Me? I’m smooth to the touch and I won’t alienate Robert Downey Jr. when you finally succeed in breaking up his marriage. I can go either way, Whitney. I know I’m crazy-expensive, but don’t you deserve something classic like me?”
- Forest Canopy Bed: “I’M IN A FUCKING FOREST!!!! 8D 8D 8D”
- Churchill Wing Bed: “I’m not going to waste your time. You can’t afford me. You can’t even afford one-third of me. Get your trailer park aspirations down to Belk’s, kid, because you’re smelling up the wrong side of town. I may look like Kathleen Hepburn should lounge on me, but even she’s too low for my swaying cradle of exquisiteness. Oh, I know, I’m neutral and a statement-piece. I’d eat your boyfriend, if you had one. Which you don’t, by the way, because you’re going to die alone. But wouldn’t you like to die on me? Wouldn’t I be an amazing death bed? …did I mention you can’t afford me?”
- Rangeley Bed: “I’m boring, but safe. If I were in a movie, James Marsden would play me, which is a shame, because in nearly every movie, you’d always choose James Marsden over the other guy, right? Chicks, man. I don’t get it. But anyway, you’ll probably buy me in a fit of panic because you can’t make up your mind and I’m inexpensive, but it’s cool – I’ll break in an inopportune moment. Revenge: it’s served cold.”