Home » Culture Shock » How to Put on Makeup without a Mirror: A Conversation with Myself at 5:30am Today

How to Put on Makeup without a Mirror: A Conversation with Myself at 5:30am Today

“Stupid contractors… “HAR HAR WE DON’T KNOW HOW TO MEASURE THINGS LOL”. So here we are, all moved in to the new house, and we don’t have a single goddamn mirror. For how long? Ohhhhhhh I dunno. A month? NO BIG. Okay, this can’t be that hard, right? I put on makeup every day; I don’t need a mirror. I’m like BRUCE WILLIS. Does HE need a mirror to put on his mascara? Hell, no! He can do that shit with his hands tied behind his back and Russians shooting at him. So this ain’t no thang. I can do this.

All right, we’ll start easy and work our way up to the big leagues. Foundation. I’ll just put on a little, I guess, because I don’t want to look all cakey. All right. See, this is easy! I think. I’d better check my progress in the tiny useless mirror on my powder compact… see… all good here… nothing awry, all’s we— JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! What IS that? WHAT IS THAT? Is that a… is that a zit? Aw, crap, I need concealer for this. Ughhhhh undereye circles, WHY. Okay, focus. Concealer. Man, this shit’s thick. I’ll have to blend it to make this work out. Is that blended properly? I can’t tell with this crappy hand mirror.  Sir Zits-A-Lot you’d better sit DOOOWWWWN.  I tired of zits on my motherfuckin’ plane. God, I guess that’s blended.

Blush, now, so I don’t look like a plague victim.  Jeez. I guess I’ll go light pink? If I don’t blend that it won’t be so bad. This brush should be okay.  I’ll just dab a little on— there. That’s okay.

Eyeliner?  Do I dare…?  I DARE.  One-two-three-Cleopatra.  Bam!  I’M THE MAKEUP QUEEN!  BRING IT ON, MASCARA. COME TO ME, LIPSTICK.  Bring me your NARS, bring me your Urban Decay, bring me your huddled Smashbox yearning to be on my face!  NOTHING CAN STOP ME!

Oh man, running late… time to go to work!”

[ Sees self in mirror at work ]

“OH MY GOD.”

I'm so pretty.

I’m so pretty.

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